What Are Social Skills and How Do I Help My Child Develop Them?
What are social skills?
Social skills are the communication and self-regulation skills that allow us to effectively engage in the environment in which we live. These skills may vary based on developmental age, culture, and situational context, but the important adaptive elements of social interaction generally fall into two categories:
Intrapersonal Skills (Self)
“Intra” means “within” and when talking about intrapersonal skills, we are addressing the internal cognitive dialogue and behavioral self-regulation needed for communication. It has been said that you must first take care of yourself before taking care of others. This is also true when considering social ability. As a result, children who struggle with inattention, hyperactivity, confidence, rigidity, anxiety, and/or sensory regulation often struggle with building and maintaining friendships. These children have internal challenges that are getting in the way of their ability to interact with others because there is some element of cognitive or physical distractibility that places a necessary focus on the self. This does not mean that these children do not care about others, rather it is that they are spending an inordinate amount of time focused on their own self-management and simply do not have the remaining bandwidth to think about or engage with others.
Ideally, social skills training should focus on first developing self-awareness and building essential self-management skills. These skills include pausing, active listening, attention and concentration, eye contact, emotion management, impulse control, and verbal expression. In order to maintain positive social skills, there must be an emphasis on maintaining and developing self-awareness and self-management.
Interpersonal Skills (Relating with Others)
“Inter” means “between” and involves the interaction between individuals. These are the skills most commonly correlated with the term “social skills,” which includes verbal and non-verbal communication skills. Perspective taking, conflict resolution, reciprocal communication (as opposed to monopolizing the conversation), problem-solving, turn-taking, and body language are all interpersonal skills that should occur between two or more people on conversation.
Social skills training should emphasize social awareness and the social cues and nuances that are often more difficult to detect. Cultural considerations are important here and an emphasis should be placed on environmental expectations and the need to “read a room.”
How do I know if my child is struggling with social skills?
Social skill delays can be evident at any developmental age, although they do become more pronounced the older a child becomes. This is because friendships develop, adapt, and change naturally, and a child who struggles socially will have a more challenging time navigating relationships as they become more complex.
Children are immersed in learning and practicing social skills from a very young age, starting with communication and emotional expression in infancy. When a parent smiles and talks to their baby, the baby begins to coo and smile back. Eventually communication develops and there becomes a reciprocal nature to sounds and responses, setting the stage for future back-and-forth relationships. When a child smiles and a parent responds, a child learns about the interconnected nature of emotional expression and the adaptation necessary in different environments for optimal connection. Early developmental programs target skills such as sharing, taking turns, calming the body, listening, and identifying emotions. Children who struggle with these early, foundational social skills may need additional support with self-management skills before entering a school setting where the interpersonal demands will be challenged.
Often around 2nd or 3rd grade, children begin to identify close friendships and can give insights into their social world. For example, a child who frequently makes comments such as: “No one likes me,” “I just play alone at recess,” “I only play with (insert the same child’s name),” or “I don’t have any friends,” may be showing signs that they are lacking certain social skills and need additional opportunities to practice. Children who struggle with impulse control, emotional regulation, and/or communication are at greater risk of missing social opportunities. Furthermore, a child who often appears angry, sad, or wishes to avoid activities may be lacking skills as well.
As children progress through upper elementary age and into adolescence, they begin to increase their social networks. Children should be regularly engaging with their peers, and the engagement should include back-and-forth communication and significant quality time spent together. Therefore, if you notice your child is frequently the one initiating (with minimal reciprocation from peers) or frequently the one left out, there may be something happening behind the scenes to explore. Alternatively, you may have a child who maintains only a few close friendships and exclusively engages with them. This does not necessarily mean that your child lacks social skills. Rather, it is important to gauge their level of enjoyment in their relationships, social awareness of the quality of their groupings, and feelings of empathic connectedness when engaging with peers.
How has the current state of the world (pandemic, virtual learning) impacted children’s social skills? Are we in a social crisis?
Limitations placed on extracurricular activities and social outings resulting from the pandemic has had direct and indirect impacts on social development in children and may continue to do so. This is because children learn best through direct exposure and frequent practice, which has been difficult or impossible for many children due to a lack of opportunities. As a result, reports of depression and anxiety are currently rising, as they did when technology initially advanced resulting in fewer face-to-face interactions.
An increase in online interactions has resulted in both opportunities and challenges. For example, there has been an increased emphasis on and availability to make connections through technology, and more people are turning to online platforms for therapeutic support who may not have previously been able to access therapy. In addition, children who are naturally anxious in social situations have been relieved of those pressures by not going to school in person. However, their current level of comfort will likely not be maintained when society does shift back to in-person schooling, which may result in further social isolation. In terms of challenges, screen fatigue is a real experience for many, and attempting to engage in direct eye contact through a screen is often less fulfilling than in person engagement. As a result of these changes times, new expectations have been created for virtual classrooms and online greetings and connections abound. For example, children have found unique ways to connect through text, email, social media, and online platforms. Electronic tools such as emojis and memes have allowed for improved nonverbal communication that has helped to better simulate in-person social interactions that often are a richer way to engage socially.
What can I do as a caregiver for my children to help develop their social skills while being COVID-cautious?
Although there has been a shift in our opportunities for typical social interaction, there are ways to adapt to our environment and find safer ways of engaging. Playgrounds, hiking trails, and state parks are excellent environments for children to talk, play, explore, and interact at a safe distance. The use of masks, hand sanitizer, and the space provided in the great outdoors helps to mitigate our risk while allowing those crucial in-person social opportunities.
At NN&FS, we recognize these challenges and want to provide a safe space to directly address the unique social challenges that our children are facing as a result of the pandemic and the resulting need to switch to a more virtual world. That is why we will be offering an ongoing social skills group at Sevier Park weekly on Friday afternoons starting in fall of 2020. This group will have entry and exit points every 4 weeks with the first two weeks devoted to intrapersonal skills (emotion regulation, self-awareness, inhibition, impulse control) and the second two weeks devoted to interpersonal skills (social awareness, flexible thinking). Topics will address current challenges such as mask wearing and difficulty navigating virtual interactions. We will socially distance as we problem-solve ways to socialize in a safe and effective way.